“Secrets. They define us, control us, they may free us or destroy us. We all have them, from the highest king to the lowliest of fools. Oh the fools they have the darkest secrets of them all.”

And it begins…

Ideas fall from the sky sometimes. They come from a sound, an image in the distance, sometimes they come from a friend. This one came from a picture of Jar Jar Binks, an image of him leading the Jedi in a future Star Wars movie. He suggested that they should make this movie, I of course had other thoughts.

My first thought, my first response was:

“Only if they kill him in the first 20 seconds…”

Jar Jar has always bothered me. He just irks me. For many critics of the prequel-series of Star Wars movies Jar Jar was the symbol for everything that was wrong with those very movies. I do not blame Jar Jar. The prequels have major issues for me but it is not Jar Jar’s fault. He just bothers me. Killing him off quickly would be nice, having him suffer a Kenny-like fate of repeated deaths would be even better. The very idea brings a smile to my face. It would be simple passive-aggressive revenge for the perceived failures of those movies.

Then I thought better of it. The joy of killing Jar Jar would be so fleeting, it did not do justice to the depth of my feelings on the matter. No, more was needed. We must redeem Jar Jar. In this case redeeming is not bringing a character back from the brink, but in making an worthwhile character out of a caricature. A villain he shall be.

This Jar Jar would be outrageously evil and vile. Only the most depraved actions would do. I am looking for behavior which would turn Jabba the Hutt’s stomach. Jar Jar is cute and funny, but the potential is there. Somehow this fool got elected to the Galactic Senate, he was even involved in giving Chancellor Palpatine the power necessary to overthrow the Senate. What if he was not a fool, what if it was just an act to cover his own scheming.

Hiding in plain sight he could direct a vast criminal empire. No one would suspect him, not Jar Jar. He might massacre Ewoks, torture Chewy (well until Han rescues him), worst of all he pumps helium into the room when Darth Vader is speaking. No one is safe. He would make a wonderful villain: horrifically sadistic, yet still obsessed with fart jokes. The possibilities are endless.

Someone has to fill the void left by the fall of the Empire. Why not the Dread Binks. I can see him now channeling Joe Pesci…

“Do I amuse you? Do I make you laugh..?”

After the rise of Jar Jar no one would laugh again…